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Lately I have been thinking a lot about one particular subject, especially if I happened to wake up in the middle of the night, it will keep me up for hours. Something that makes my heart beat fast and makes me nervous and scared. And it's something that will happen to my family and me someday: death.
Maybe because I have lost 3 family members in the last 6 years, it has become something that pained me a lot. Before the passing of my grand-uncle 6 years ago, the last time I experienced the lost of a close family member was more than 15 years ago. I was in primary school, and although I was very sad, time heals. And I forgot what it felt like to lose someone close to you. And now the last time I lost a family member was my grand-aunt, 3 months ago. And it refreshed my memory, how I felt when grand-uncle passed away 6 years ago, and how the feeling came back when my cousin passed away 6 months later. And I know as my family and I grow older, it will happen more frequently.
Actually what was it like to die? Nobody knows. Cos they end up dead. (bad joke, i know)
Assuming I die of old age, I think it might feel like falling asleep. Like I wouldn't know that I'm dying. Maybe there will be a pinch in the chest, as my old heart struggle to work till the end. Then it's like 'fuu...' and I stop breathing.
Too detailed? That shows that I really think about it. A lot.
Now the Libran in me is fighting to make me see the other side of the coin. That life is not about waiting for death to happen. Life is to make you live. Waiting to welcome life into the world. I look at other members of my family and I thought to myself that I shouldn't think about what will happen and how it will happen in the end. They are still with me and I should appreciate the time that we have and the time we shared. Appreciate the fate that brought us together. Appreciate that I have a loving family, immediate and extended.
I think I should ask my mom more about herself. I only know that she loved Beatles as a teenager.
And I still haven't seen Toy Story 3 and Despicable Me.
Life is full of new discovery. Yes, I shouldn't think too much about what I will find in the end of the rainbow. I guess I should take it one day at a time. Although it's hard to do cos my branch just relocated to a new premise and my responsibility has gotten a bit bigger. And it's keeping me up in the middle of the night for a week now as I run my plan through my head on how to deal with my work the next morning.
And my next thought will be the death subject again. And I will have a sleepless night again. And I will go online again, and telling myself not to think about it again........
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